Dear Mr Kershaw

  First published by Good Day Books 2015

  10987654321

  © Derek Philpott and Wilf Turnbull 2015

  All rights reserved. Except for the purposes of review, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form by any means electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior permission of the copyright holder.

  Replies from the artists are published in full but do not reflect the thoughts or opinions of the author.

  Isbn 978 0 9933985 0 6

  Designed and typeset by Richard Ponsford/www.librodesign.co.uk

  Printed and bound in the UK by Ashford Colour Press, Hampshire

  The publisher would like to thank the following for permission to reproduce photographs: Cover (keyboard/NorGal, coffee mug/Anton Prado) Shutterstock.com, p103 (F-111 Bomber/Thor Jorgen Udvang) Shutterstock.com

  Illustrations on pages 169 and 170 recreated from original sketches provided by Bruce Thomas.

  I love pop music. It is the only branch of the humanities which evokes such a bizarre and overwhelming response. One doesn’t ever see a chart of the best paintings and then thousands of people flocking to the gallery to scream hysterically at the piece voted number one, even when it makes no sense whatsoever.’

  D. Philpott, Magazine Interview

  ‘I am not for a second suggesting that art be subject to regulation or trading standards but we as the consumer and audience are surely perfectly entitled to ask questions of the creator? I do get the wrong end of the stick though sometimes.’

  D. Philpott, Café Spike Interview

  ‘Dear ‘The Clash’: You state that if you go there will be trouble and if you stay it will be double. Therefore, I would advise you to go, as this would minimise any potential ‘trouble’. Have you perhaps fallen foul of the new parking restrictions on Overcliff Drive in Bournemouth?’

  W. Turnbull, 2010

  ''Somewhere between Henry Root and John Shuttleworth - what a hoot!'' Julie Burchill

  ''Now we have Wilf and Derek, two Bournemouth OAPS who write to pop stars old and new, taking them to task for their absurd lyrics. Follow their adventures'' Bruce Dessau, Evening Standard

  ''Good luck, the both of you x'' David Quantick

  ''Thanks for the brilliant work and for allowing me fence with such a formidable comic swordsman. Count me in for whatever helps the Grand Cause!!'' Dave Was, Was Not Was

  I love the feel of your jibe...Whatever you do will be creative and great. Hope I can help'' Chris Difford, Squeeze

  ''I can see so much potential here for a book a series all sorts.. so many readers and musicians alike love what you do. I would buy your book. Writers are artists too'' Saffron, Republica

  ''I am humbled, I am not worthy'' Tim Dorney, Flowered Up

  At last - something for the Booker Prize judges to vote unanimously on'' Bob Grover, The Piranhas

  ''Best of Luck with the book mate not that you need it, Love your work'' Henry Priestman, ex-The Christians

  ''Great fun, thanks for getting in touch Roland, Tears For Fears

  ''Hey Del/Wilf, You can do it! Let me have the link in due course and I’ll get it up on the website. Crack on my sons……''Mark King, Level 42

  ''You have my support with your crowd funding project, and of course I will be happy to blast it on my social media when its ready. Go for it!'' Howard Jones

  ''I am absolutely honoured and flattered to be written one of these letters'' The Doctor, Doctor and The Medics

  ''Really glad that my missive fit the bill. I've had a great response to it - thanks again for including me...Happy to put up a link to your crowd-funding appeal. Let me know when it's live'' Billy Bragg

  ''We love to be a part of your community. Thanks for the laugh, Stay cool as ****'' The Inspiral Carpets

  ''It was only ever a matter of time. Talent will out! Your book will be fabulous'' Julianne Regan All About Eve and Solo.

  ''If my contribution has been a small catalyst for your success I'm very flattered. It's Great. Love and peace'' Tasmin Archer

  ''You, and your followers, are some funny ************s! A brilliant experience.." Greg Douglass, Steve Miller Band

  ''Absolutely LOVE IT'!'' Nik Kershaw

  ''Very amusing'' Neil Hannon

  ''What a grand idea'' Richard Coles, The Communards

  ''Hope its cool man I had a laugh doing it --the pleasure is all mine you nutter :)'' Rob Birch, Stereo MCs

  ''Delighted to be of service Derek. May I congratulate your good self and your partner Wilf on your splendid website. I promise to spread the word. And yes, let's please stay in touch'' Glenn Gregory, Heaven 17

  ''Wishing you both ongoing success with your wonderfully witty funny critiques !!!! You have struck gold deservedly and are becoming superstars!!'' Anita Chellamah, Toto Coelo

  ''Delighted to engage in correspondence with you and happy to contribute to your excellent page thingy. We'll certainly put a link when you send us the crowd-fund details'' Tom Robinson

  "It was most enjoyable to be involved in a letter that did not involve one of my ex wives’ solicitors" - Rick Wakeman

  ''Thank you for dragging my song through your mangle and may your project be everything you'd like it to be'' Vic Godard

  Your letter is wonderful and I would be honoured to be able to offer some explanation for your most amusing project'' Neal WhItmore, Sigue Sigue Sputnik

  ''I am so very glad you like my reply you gentleman. I love your stuff and wanted to do it justice'' Gary Clarke, Danny Wilson

  Fanx for the opportunity to participate, and your kind response! So few of us so called 'popstars' have the ability or desire to take the p*** out of ourselves! Long may you reign, and keep up the good work'' Sad Cafe

  ''Your grasp of vernacular is immense. I suspect a language A level or two? This is priceless. Laughing my head off'' Ian McNabb, The Icicle Work

  ''Well! How marvellous an idea and so well crafted! Am honoured and delighted to be a part of such shenanigans. God Bless! X'' Yazz

  ''Delighted to be of service Derek. May I congratulate your good self and your partner Wilf on your splendid website. I promise to spread the word. And yes, let's please stay in touch'' Damian O'Neill The Undertones

  ''Absolutely Brilliant'' Cutting Crew

  ''Hope it's a huge success for you! Glad you liked it. It was fun'' Jake Burns, Stiff Little Fingers''

  ''Hi Derek, I will definitely post a link when you have the crowd-fund up and running, it will be a success I think'' Dave Stewart

  ''Thanks Derek it was fun really glad you liked it:-). You can't fail'' Fish

  “JoBoxers were very pleased to be involved in this slick and satisfying bout. JoBoxers say Cheers!' Dave Collard, Joboxers

  ''In this day and age of 'social media' and all its superficial associations, it is nice to be reminded that there are people out there who are manning the pumps for common sense and good manners who appreciate the finer things in life like allottments and fine home brew..'' Martin Coogan, The Mock Turtles

  In 2008, I was at a wedding with my friend Wilf Turnbull – who, like myself, is a retired gentleman from Bournemouth – when the DJ played, as Wilf put it, ‘those Jacksons’. I admit that, at this juncture, ale had been copiously imbibed at the free bar and after a third mushroom vol-au-vent, as little Michael and the rest of his sibling quintet’s song filled the air (not literally), I remember Wilf suddenly standing stock-still and declaring that sunshine, moonlight, good times and boogie can hardly be held accountable for a failed romance. Then, as I was mid-chicken drumstick, the DJ put on Living In A Box and we wondered why in heaven’s name a pop star would be residing within a cardboard box, given that the job is notoriously wel
l paid?

  I asked Wilf what in the blazes we were going to do about it, and after a bit of thought, we decided that there was only one course of action available to us: we would write to both of them, and take them to task over their questionable lyrics.

  We very soon realised that The Jacksons and Living In A Box were by no means the only pop culprits guilty of lyrical ambiguities and inaccuracies. As our journey through decades of pop and rock began, we discovered more and more dubious claims and declarations which we felt needed to be addressed and clarified as a matter of urgency. We were polite yet firm – sometimes merely proffering advice – and from time to time we apparently got the wrong end of the stick, but we carried on regardless. Sometimes we invited artists to events in our home town of Bournemouth (a place we referenced frequently); they are just normal people after all… aren’t they?

  The scope and reach of our letters expanded when some younger family members, who are extremely knowledgeable in musical matters, caught wind of our exploits and proceeded to expose us to pop groups and music that we wouldn’t otherwise have chanced upon. I would sometimes wonder if the young scamps weren’t baiting us when, after playing us some ‘offending material’, they would chuckle and ask:

  ‘Are they human or are they dancer?? Are you REALLY going to let them get away with that??!!’

  We were not quite sure where this was taking us, but knew we wanted to share the fruits of our labours. So, with encouragement and help from the young mischief makers (and some admittedly bemused friends), social networking pages were created for us, and a wonderful website with links to all our letters was built by the brilliant James Marett at Oast One. I cannot thank James enough for both his initial brilliance and then incredible patience and politeness over the years, during which I once phoned him at 10 o’clock GMT to ask why all the letters had vanished when the site was merely undergoing maintenance. He was on a ski slope, but he didn’t shout.

  From the very humble beginnings of chatting amongst ourselves to fifty or so ‘virtual friends’, the interest in our letters began to grow organically and swiftly. We remain close friends, and I am honoured and delighted that he still helps out when able (superbly, I may add), but at this time Wilf decided to take a back seat simply because of other commitments. My own output became so prolific that he felt I was handling pop lyric affairs more than amply by myself.

  The popularity of the letters began to climb exponentially, and rumours even spread that they were the work not of ‘Joe Public’, but of music journalists and people connected to the upper echelons of the business – even the artists themselves! Questions were raised in Parliament*.

  Then, one day in 2010, the most remarkable and quite unexpected thing happened… the pop stars began to reply!

  I can take no personal credit for this remarkable development. Although I had tentatively sent the letters to the artists via ‘official channels’ (i.e. management and record companies), my requests for responses, perhaps understandably, fell on deaf ears. Quite simply, as my online status grew to astonishing levels, it was

  my army of ‘fans’ and friends of all ages, from all over the world, who have been wholly instrumental in

  putting me in touch with an ever-growing number of musicians, either through personal associations or their standings as long-term fans of the artists. My ‘good-natured haranguing notoriety’ escalated at an alarming rate. Eventually, I even achieved the point whereby the pop stars, management and agents et cetera were discussing my exploits and feeding me ‘leads’ (via the back door of the industry, so to speak). Some were even requesting that I write to them.

  So here I am, featured in the mainstream media; on hundreds of internet forums and websites; on the radio and in magazines worldwide; and being invited backstage to ‘hang out’ with pop stars who, I am flattered to say, love the letters and enjoy getting involved via their responses. Indeed, I am very pleased to have acted, in my own small way, as a conduit between the pop stars and their followers; the latter who often gleefully get in touch to thank me for finally getting to the bottom of a lyrical conundrum that had been bugging them for years, and the former pleased to respond via a friendly and light-hearted public platform to answer questions that are often asked of them.

  I have had many approaches over the years to compile my letters into a book. Having investigated all possibilities, I eventually decided that by far the best method of doing so was to do it myself, via the crowdfunding route. Some publishers in the distant past have insisted that some letters be ‘toned down’ – tweaked, or a certain long or flowery word omitted as ‘no one knows what that means’ – which I found unacceptable. By ‘going it alone’, not only do I retain full creative control, but, just as crucially, this wonderful organic process, nurtured to fruition by family, friends and fans from social media sites, together with many other supporters both at home and abroad, continues.

  So, friends old and new, thank you, thank you all for this wonderful and completely unexpected journey at this juncture in my life. It’s been – and continues to be – emotional.

  I have to go now. Bargain Hunt’s on.

  PS Obviously a lot of the time the artists do not reply or I am unable to connect with them, which is perfectly reasonable. The ‘mini letters’ I post to my internet friends, related to these unanswered ramblings (and my random thoughts) have also proved popular and many of these are included here too. :)

  *Not really

  Scattered throughout the following pages you will find pictures of, amongst others, ‘Lady BudgeriGaGa’, ‘The Snoutorious P.I.G.’ and ‘Nine Inch Snails’.

  My letters can take hours to construct, so a couple of years ago, rather than sitting next to me doing nothing, my wife Jean took to making plasticine pop star animals, incorporating the trademark features

  of certain artists into her creations. The reaction on social media was so incredible – with people actually asking to buy her artistry – that we invested in professional modelling clay and tools and now make

  fridge magnets and wall plaques for people. They either pick from those already ‘out there’ in ‘cyberspace’, give us their own wonderful suggestions, or select from the wonderful suggestions of others. They

  are completely and individually handmade from blocks of clay; no templates,moulds, cutouts or other (if you pardon the pun) ‘shortcuts’ are used in the crafting process. Jean has now honed her skills to such an

  extent that she is able to sculpt pets and family members from personal photographs. Very much like the letters, this genuine cottage industry started from nothing and, thanks to our ‘virtual friends’, has erupted

  and continues to evolve. We now have customers all over the world.

  For more information we’d be delighted if you visited

  www.facebook.com/philpottery

  Dear Rick Wakeman,

  As a fellow parent, I hope that you can be of assistance.

  Regretfully I must confide that my grandson’s school has been lagging behind somewhat in the department of GCSE pass grades, according to the official Ofsted statistics. Upon close scrutiny of said cavillous data, a vast chasm of success between certain subjects included in the field of the humanities was unveiled. In order to rectify this situation it has been decided that the secondary modern should meld an area in which they excel with one that requires improvement, in order to perhaps subliminally spur the deficient pupils into favourable academia. They will therefore be staging a special event going for the one area of the curriculum that the students are most adept at, music, and combining it with history, where they are clearly floundering. This unique affair will be billed and promoted as ‘Pastonbury’.

  As the original artists have not as yet come back to us we have implemented a contingency plan by putting down 10% refundable deposits on tribute artists Phony M (Rasputin), NO.M.D. (Joan of Arc and possibly Enola Gay) and West London’s foremost piano/vocal ‘soundalike’ Feltham John, who will be performing Candle In The
Wind twice (covering off Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana for no additional fee), before travelling back in time for a pre-booked engagement at Isleworth Royal British Legion.

  We wonder if you would be willing to help out by coming along in the afternoon and doing your King Arthur after the tombola. As the event is pencilled in for mid-May there is unfortunately little chance of the playground freezing over in deference to The Empire Pool recitals, so we would be having you indoors, although you should be put on notice that the parquet flooring, not unlike the aforementioned auditorium’s performance surface, can be particularly treacherous when newly waxed, especially when negotiated in socks.

  One of the Heads of Year, Ms Braithwaite, who is a keen enthusiast of ‘progressive rock’, mooted that as you would be here anyway you may as well play The Six Wives of Henry VIII in its entirety. However, although she was thanked for her proactive suggestion, which was duly minuted, the Board of Governors voted to the contrary on the grounds that sadly they only had use of the Main Hall until 8pm, at which time it would have to be vacated in order to make way for the caretaker, and also that, being an instrumental piece, the children may become fidgety if sat cross-legged for such a long period. Furthermore, the organisers had not the resources to stage a slide show or ‘PowerPoint presentation’ with the facility to depict an image of each ecclesiastical revisionist spouse in order to distinguish one set of your ‘moog stylings’ and going up and down the keyboard as fast as possible from another. It was therefore instead decided that they would ‘go with’ the remnants of Herman’s Hermits as a far less convoluted if admittedly factually inaccurate reference to said morbidly rotund tyrannical Tudor patriarch.

  As they are somewhat restricted in terms of budget, it has been proposed that your fuel costs to and from Bournemouth would be fully reimbursed upon provision of valid receipts, and in order to save your back you will not be expected to bring your ‘banks’ of synthesisers, ‘mellowtrons’, electrical harpsichords and other such paraphernalia. You will instead be provided with two nearly new Bontempi organs temporarily borrowed by the gym mistress, Miss Mallard, from the stockroom of the local Sue Ryder shop on Wimbourne Road where she volunteers two hours of her time of a Saturday. This is an additional bonus for the co-ordinators as stage space is at a premium (although thankfully not vertically, given that the vaulted ceiling would provide ample room for your pointy hat).